As I mentioned in my earlier post, I am in the middle of Brideshead Revisited. At this moment, I feel like my heart is breaking for all of the pain that is waiting in the book. And I know it is just a book, but is it so real, so true to life. You want to find someone to blame for what goes wrong, to have a definite "bad guy" whom you are free to dislike and a "good guy" to cheer for. But this is simply not the case. These characters are so human, they have failings and triumphs, joys and sorrows that you, the reader, feel along with them. As beautiful as the beginning of the book is, I know that I would be cheating if I stopped before things got painful, just as I know I would be cheating life if I started acting as if the ugliness and pain in life were not there.
I've been reading the last 70 odd pages of the book aloud to the Sprit. Earlier she commented on my ability to "sit and be still," to enjoy being in one place, physically, even if mentally and spiritually I am wandering in the world of whatever book happens to be lying open on my knees. This came back to me as I was kneeling in the dark chapel, praying. You see, I generally have no trouble being still and holding still once I settle down to pray. However, when I am getting close to being done, I am filled with an anxiousness to be off and out. I feel like I am going to go crazy if I sit still for a moment longer, like I will simply burst out of my skin. It is the strangest thing. I hope the merit of one's prayers is not determined by the devotion and attention given to the end of them...